My Diabetic Journey

At 18, I could not gain weight to save my life. I really tried, especially for the Miss Rancho Cordova Beauty contest in 1964, as my sponsor thought I was just a little underweight at 90 pounds on a 4', 8" petite frame. The contest was an exciting process and when I won Runner Up, I was thrilled! It was in the newspapers and even in the Mather AFB newspaper (I still have the clipping).

I never worried about gaining weight, no matter what I ate. Then after having my first child at the age of 23 (after one lost pregnancy at 3 months) in my 5th year of marriage, my metabolism changed dramatically and it was difficult to lose my post-pregnancy weight. A second child later, and after traumatic life events, I found myself seeking solace in food, specifically comfort foods, sweets, and sodas. I was drinking around 3 liters of Pepsi per day. Twenty years later, I was an empty nester and newly engaged, almost forty pounds overweight, and still struggling to gain control. Then suddenly I was losing weight without even trying! It just seemed to melt off no matter what I ate. Was this a dream? I was elated and losing weight fast.

Diabetes! It sounded like a death sentence.

I was so excited that I did not attribute the facts that I was incredibly thirsty most of the time, had strong urges to urinate often, or that I was extremely exhausted most days, to anything significant. Weeks later, I was diagnosed with Type II Diabetes. I had made an appointment at the doctor's office for a severe stomach ache, and left with a life sentence... Type 2 Diabetes. The doctor stepped into the full waiting room just as I was leaving with my fiancee, and addressed me in front of everyone, "Oh, by the way, did you know you have Diabetes?" It stunned me... it was just like in the movies where the crowds seem to disappear, and there is only you and the one talking to you, in bold relief. It was like time stopped. As the entire room of patients was staring, I could only mumble, "...well yeah, sure I do!" as I bolted from the room. I broke down crying in the car on the way home. I was devastated.

Diabetes is a chronic condition in which the body produces too little insulin or can't use available insulin efficiently. Insulin is a hormone vital to helping the body use digested food for growth and energy. More people die every year from diabetes than from Cancer and AIDS combined. Untreated, diabetes can cause long-term complications that affect almost every part of the body besides limb loss.

The news stunned me into self-denial for almost four years, and I toyed with my health by not managing my illness. I was even angry with my deceased biological father, who had been a Type 2 diabetic. I had been losing a lot of weight effortlessly, but now I knew why and that it could kill me if I didn't make changes. I was prescribed a rotation of several diabetic medications; I hated having to take them; they all made me so ill. The diabetic medications they tried (Glucophage, Actos, Tolazanide) all had side effects, besides weight gain, that made me very ill with stomach cramps, neck pain, intestinal pain, diarrhea, headaches, and bloating (not everyone gets these side effects). I had always been very sensitive to drugs of any kind. Even taking more than one Excedrin tablet had always made me very ill. I attribute that to the strong meds mom had to take for Rheumatoid Arthritis since she was 16 and for years afterward, while pregnant with me at 17.

So with my diabetes still uncontrolled, I was put on insulin. I remember spending over half-an-hour in the bathroom twice daily, my hair soaked at the nape, getting up the nerve to stick myself with a sharp needle to inject insulin. Even practicing on an orange as instructed, it never became easy. My emotions ran from disbelief, to fear, to anger and then I fell deep into self pity, a roller coaster ride that was out of control. No one could say anything to me that would help; I had to fight this battle alone. As I slowly gained more and more weight, eating whatever I wanted, I even entertained the thought of not using the insulin, remembering how quickly I had lost weight before. I didn't because I became so sick.

My battle would take eight long years as I was my own worst enemy. I hated being diabetic. There were no miracles or instant cures. I didn't want to forgo eating my favorite foods, or even reduce portions. I was silly, irrational and inconsolable. I finally had to make a conscious decision to address and manage my chronic illness, to be proactive in my day-to-day management of diabetes, to learn how to control this disease before it killed me. I began by attending support groups offered by Kaiser hospital, classes I had spurned before. From Anger Management classes, to Pain Management and Diabetic classes, learning about foods and their effect on our bodies in addition to Cholesterol classes, I went to all of them, ready to learn, ready to make life style changes.

Before that decision came, however, I consumed sugary foods and high-carb foods to appease my depression, covering it with high doses of insulin... serving myself huge food portions at each meal. Cakes and desserts were my friends; they made me feel good. I listened to no one who counseled me or tried to intervene. I became a 'closet' eater, a midnight snacker. Who knows how much damage I did to my body during that time, to my organs--damage that would play out in the next few decades.

Blamed my father

Heredity (my grandmother and father both had diabetes) and lifestyle factors such as lack of exercise, poor diet, and stress, played heavily to initiate Type 2 diabetes in my life. I was constantly tired, and unable to accomplish what I once could; this forced me to give up healthy, recreational activities like walking, hiking, and even gardening; I missed working in my flower gardens. This accelerated my physical demise, throwing me further into depression. I slept too much; I withdrew from everyone, from life; I ate too much, gaining even more weight, now almost 100 pounds more!

The extra weight on my small frame caused extreme stress on my knees and ankles over the years that developed into arthritis. I was now walking with the aid of a cane, as the numbness in my toes (beginning diabetic Neuropathy) caused me to stumble and fall often. I wasn't steady on my feet, and had several bad falls, directly onto my knees each time I fell. My knee cartilage became torn and shredded; I developed a torn meniscus, making it even more painful to walk or bend my knees. I was the victim, reinforcing my helplessness and perpetuating my pain and disability. I wallowed in self pity. Of course, at the same time I continued to work full-time. I hadn't reached obese weight, just an uncomfortable weight gain. I had even begun dating and in 1991, I was married again, with 2 teenage children.

By 1996, I had been off work on disability leave multiple times with IBS-D, besides for some serious afflictions; first for leg blood clots (I had a pulmonary embolism in 1989), and then in 2001 for a fractured ankle and heart angina. I was on a digitalis medication, and in so much knee pain that I could hardly sleep at night. I was now on daily Regular insulin, three times daily, along with a long-acting NPH insulin at night, all to help control my rising blood sugars. However, they did their job; my blood sugar levels went from 450 at that initial doctor's office visit to 280, although still very high.

During this time, my husband became ill, also and we could no longer take care of our farm, to do all that was needed on its five acres with gardens, and multiple animals including horses. We sold our farm in West Point in 2002; it broke our hearts to lose it. We had to sell all our animals, our Arabian horses, ducks, and chickens. We found a rental in Drytown after our home sold and began the process of moving our lives away from our dream home. A year later, we were fortunate to move into a mobile home in a senior community, closer to my job, although I was only 55. I remember going once to an event at the Center and most were older and grey haired; I never went back again. I just felt younger than that. They seemed like they were 90 to me. Old!

I still was not in control of my health. I had a brief visit with another doctor at the urging of my primary care physician, who put me on antidepressants for a couple of weeks (which made me quite ill). I was now taking a total of eight medications, besides a blood pressure medication, Zantac for stomach pains, and ocular eye drops to decrease my eye pressure as I had been diagnosed with pre-glaucoma after some intensive tests. I remember those eye appointments with a specialist in Sacramento... he told me in a few years I would be almost blind and proceeded to tell me about my options. I remembered my grandmother having glaucoma; she loved her sweets, wine, and beef steak. I remember the eye patch she wore, also. I was scared.

As I was returning to a full-time job in February 2003, I was determined not to return to work as ill as when I left; I had to improve my health. I was currently engaged in online work (since 2001) developing pages for a local newspaper, creating graphics, and display Ads, also writing Restaurant Reviews. I really enjoyed it but I was looking forward to working with other people again, in a business setting. I missed it a lot and every time my husband left for his state job, I hoped I would be working soon. I began to dive into diabetes research and how to manage a healthy lifestyle while being diabetic. I was determined to begin changing my health for the better.